You've got Shemale
by sesheta255
Summary: Random Stupidity #5. Kaidan is plotting revenge on Joker, but who will have the last laugh?
1. Chapter 1

_Random Stupidity number 5. This ones been a long time coming and I think it suffers from me thinking about it too much, lol._

_thanks once again to Star for wading through my nonsense._

_Bioware owns all._

**

* * *

****You've got She-male**

Kaidan stood at his console grinning in the orange light. Joker would get what was coming to him very soon. It had taken all of his willpower but he had not said a word to Joker or Ash about the monthly crew reports meeting he'd had with Shepard a few weeks ago. He still couldn't stop the blush or the heat that rose in his body whenever he saw her. The memory of her half naked body pressed against him would be etched in his mind for a very long time. For her part she seemed totally oblivious to what had happened that night, but Kaidan remembered everything. He did wonder if it was an act though, she always did have a good poker face and no-one was ever certain of just what she was thinking.

It had to be killing Joker that he remained totally calm and in control whenever the two of them were in the cockpit together. It had taken all of his technical skills to set up a confidential communications channel with some friends on the Citadel in order to put his plan for revenge in motion. Now he just had to run the idea of a surprise birthday party for Joker past Shepard. She would probably agree. She seemed to have a soft spot for the pilot despite his fondness for smart ass comments and practical jokes.

He had written his thoughts about the party down on a data pad to hand to Shepard. He didn't want Joker to overhear the conversation and given the pilots penchant for monitoring everyone on the ship for his own amusement he couldn't take any chances. Kaidan wasn't sure why Joker was so fascinated with Shepard and him. There was nothing between them and because of the fraternization rules there was never likely to be. They were just officers and marines who had a healthy respect for each other's skills and abilities. _Yeah, keep telling yourself that Alenko_.

He was still thinking about Shepard when she walked into the mess, grabbed a tray full of food and sat down. Now was as good a time as any so he picked up the data pad and headed towards her hoping he wouldn't make a complete fool of himself. He'd been lucky that they had been so busy lately. Between their mission to find Saren and the assignments that Admiral Hackett had been throwing at them they'd had little down time which meant that he could concentrate on the missions and not have to worry about being a stammering idiot around her.

Taking a deep breath he handed her the data pad. "Shepard, can you take a look at this please?"

"Of course, Kaidan." She looked up at him as she took the data pad from him, studying him. "You look a little flushed. Are you feeling alright?"

"Uh…fine Ma'am. No problems."

"Can anyone look, or is it something personal, like…I don't know, love letters Kaidan? I've heard humans write them to others they are attracted to." Garrus teased, joining Shepard at the table. He laughed as he watched Kaidan's face grow redder.

"I don't think I've ever had a love letter, Garrus." Shepard spoke wistfully, her eyes meeting Kaidan's for a split second before she lowered them, a blush coming to her cheeks.

Kaidan blurted out, "I find that hard to believe ma'am." He could have immediately kicked himself as they both looked up at him. At least he'd actually managed to speak in a reasonably normal voice without stammering like a lovesick fool, but he had to get out of here before he put his foot any further into his mouth. "I'll leave you to read the data pad ma'am."

"Stay for a minute Kaidan. It's been a while since we've had the time to chat. We didn't have much chance for conversation on our last outing. We were too busy screaming while Shepard drove the Mako off every mountain and over every bump on the planet." Garrus turned to Shepard and added "I've finally finished the repairs by the way. I think either Kaidan or I should drive next time. I hope you realise that we will need intensive therapy, not to mention bone reconstruction if this mission goes on for much longer."

"Oh, stop being such a baby. I thought turians were supposed to be tough. You think either one of you can do better, Garrus? Be my guest." She grinned as she picked up her cup.

Kaidan was relieved that the conversation had moved away from him, but he still had to leave before he put his foot in his mouth again. "Thanks Garrus, but I really have to get back to my duties." He nodded towards Shepard, "Ma'am" and headed back to his terminal.

He watched them for a while, envying the easy way Garrus had around Shepard. He thought that the turian may have been romantically interested in her but she'd showed no signs of returning anything but friendship. She confused the hell out of him. He thought that she was interested in him as more than a junior officer and fellow marine. In fact, she'd even told him as much, but in such a roundabout way that he wasn't sure; maybe he just had his wires crossed. She certainly let her hair down when she was drunk though. With an effort he pushed those thoughts out of his mind and tried to concentrate on the numbers in front of him.

"Kaidan, I've looked at the data pad and see no problems with it. Let me know if there's anything you need from me," Shepard spoke, startling him.

"Uh…Ok, Ma'am"

"Kaidan I get the feeling you're avoiding me. Any reason for that? You were starting to call me Shepard and now we're back to 'Ma'am." She leaned back against the wall, her arms crossed.

"No ma'am. I...I mean Shepard. Just busy."

"Don't let Joker get to you Kaidan." With that parting shot she left him and headed to her cabin.

She was right of course. Things were probably just as embarrassing for her, although with her sense of humour he just wasn't sure. He just wished this mission was over and done with so he could get some shore leave and try to make sense of his feelings. But right now Shepard needed him to be fully focused and the Normandy running at optimum so he pushed all thoughts of her away and concentrated on the console in front of him.

He groaned to himself as he realised he needed to make some adjustments up on the bridge. That meant having to deal with Joker who never missed an opportunity to poke at him about Shepard. His pessimism was rewarded for he hadn't been on the bridge more than five minutes before Joker started in on him.

"You'll have to man up eventually Alenko. We won't always be on this mission and Shepard is hot for you. Besides, I heard you tell her you were going to loosen up. Go for it, you've got nothing to lose. She's already seen you naked _**and **_heard you singing, and she didn't run away screaming. That has to be a good sign, right?"

"Shut it Joker. You really are a pain in the ass, you know. Do you have to listen to every conversation I have with Shepard?" Kaidan was trying to concentrate on the board in front of him and ignore Joker but it was hard. He just kept telling himself that Joker would be the one with the red face soon.

"Well I have to get some fun seeing as I'm mostly stuck up here. Someone has to help you. You need to get laid more than I do. And you keep botching things up with Shepard."

"For the last time, there is nothing between me and Shepard and never likely to be. She's our commanding officer, so just leave it alone." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, knowing that Joker would never leave it alone.

"You can tell yourself that little story all you want but I know what I know **and** what I've seen. You two have been flirting with each other so much that I'm surprised we get any missions done."

"Joker. I'm warning you…" he started to yell but Joker kept talking.

"But I guess all that sexual tension between you two needs an outlet and killing mercs and Geth is one way to relieve it."

"To relieve what, Joker? Is there something I should know about?" Shepard asked walking onto the bridge.

Kaidan glared at Joker before he went back to trying to concentrate on the adjustments he was making on the co-pilots console. She had an uncanny knack of walking into conversations that were potentially embarrassing to him, but he had no doubt that Joker would be able to come up with an answer for her.

"I was just telling Alenko that killing mercs and Geth is a good stress relief, Commander." Joker gave her his most innocent look.

"No arguments from me there, Joker. Head to the Citadel. I think we've done as much as we can for now and we need to restock. We'll be there for a few days so make sure you get some down time off the ship."

Joker hid his laughter as Shepard glanced at Alenko, who looked like he was trying to crawl inside the console in front of him.

Joker watched as she walked away before turning back to Kaidan. "There you go, Alenko. Proof that the Commander is in need of relief. You're putting her health at risk with your inaction you know. Too much stress is bad for a person."

"So why the hell do you keep trying to up _my_ stress level? One of these days karma is going to bite you in the ass and I'll be the one who's laughing." Kaidan climbed out from under the console as he spoke.

"Like that will ever happen. The Commander was right you know, you do need to loosen up, you're just too tense Alenko."

Kaidan didn't even bother replying, just shook his head and headed back to his station to continue with his plans for revenge. He was going to have to think of a way to get Joker off the ship and let everyone know about the plans for a surprise party. He grimaced when he realised the only person Joker wouldn't be suspicious of was Shepard and that would mean more data pad notes. Sighing he set to work writing another message to Shepard. Hopefully she would be able to think up a way to get Joker off the ship so that he could get it organised for Joker's party.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

The next morning Kaidan watched covertly as Shepard ate her breakfast, looking for an opportunity to talk with her. They had docked at the Citadel an hour ago and he knew that she had meetings with Ambassador Udina and Captain Anderson.

However, before he could act, she walked over and handed him a data pad. "Kaidan, here is the list of supplies that we need. I want you to co-ordinate with Pressly and make sure everything is organised today, before shore leave starts. I know Joker usually helps with this but he'll be coming with me. Captain Anderson wants a rundown on how the Normandy is performing and Joker is the best one to provide that information." She winked at him before saying loudly, "You got that Joker?"

Joker's hesitant reply came back immediately," Commander?" He should have known Shepard was onto his habit of spying on them by now.

"You heard me Joker, so you'd better get to work preparing some reports for Captain Anderson. We will be leaving in an hour." Shepard spoke firmly in a voice that brooked no argument.

Jokers sullen "Aye Aye Ma'am," had both Shepard and Kaidan grinning at each other.

Later Kaidan set his plans for Joker's party into full swing. Shepard was going to keep Joker occupied for most of the day so that everything would be in place by the time they returned. He'd managed to rope in a few winning helpers to transform the cargo bay into a party area.

As he moved crates, Kaidan thought about what Joker had said to him in jest the day before, realising that he was right. All this tension _was_ bad for a person's health. _Mine in particular. _He and Shepard had been doing their share of battlefield flirting for a while now and his frustration level was high. He wondered whether hers was just as high and for the same reason as his. She did seem to seek him out a lot and on a few occasions had lost her inhibitions around him. But those occurrences were usually the result of Shepard being caught in the crossfire of one of Joker's stupid pranks. He chuckled to himself. _Joker is probably the only person who could ever say they'd ever managed to get Shepard caught in crossfire._

* * *

It was early evening and Kaidan surveyed the cargo bay. Balloons and streamers had been hung up everywhere. A bar had been set up along one wall, as well as an area for dancing. Shepard was due to arrive soon with Joker and most of the crew were already waiting for the party to get underway.

Kaidan grinned, alerted to Joker's impending arrival by the early warning system he had in place. He needn't have bothered though as Joker could clearly be heard complaining loudly to Shepard in the elevator as it descended.

"I never had you pegged as a slave driver Shepard. Not content with dragging me all over the Citadel for the entire day, now I have to get dragged to the cargo bay for no good reason that I can work out. If I didn't know how much you needed my superior piloting skills, I'd swear you were trying to kill me."

Shepard's response was drowned out, as at that moment they stepped out of the elevator to be greeted by a loud chorus of 'Surprise!"

"Shepard! I trusted you," Joker exclaimed as he was carried away by crew members to where his 'throne' awaited on a platform that had been set up in the middle of the room where he could be the centre of attention and have an excellent view of the festivities.

Kaidan brought Joker a drink and turned around in time to see Shepard grin before she re-entered the elevator. He hurried over and stopped the doors from closing.

"Shepard, aren't you staying?"

She smiled at him. "I've got a few things to take care of, but I'll be back later." She pressed the door control and called out "Have fun" as they closed.

He shook his head, baffled as to why she wasn't staying. He wanted to go after her but he had a plan to put in motion and Shepard was too much of a distraction. With an effort he turned his thoughts back to his plan, the first stage of which was ensuring that Joker got very, very drunk.

The party was in full swing by the time Shepard came back. Kaidan had been watching for her and fortified by a couple of drinks went straight to her.

"Shepard. You made it. I didn't think you were coming back." He couldn't hide his pleasure.

"What and miss the cake? No self respecting biotic would pass up the chance of cake, Kaidan."

"And I made sure to get your favourite Shepard. Chocolate cake."

"Isn't it supposed to be Jokers birthday? What about his favourite?" She grinned and cocked one eyebrow at him.

"Well I couldn't very well ask him what sort of cake he wanted. It was a surprise party after all. Besides, who doesn't like chocolate cake?"

From her position across the room, Ash immediately noticed Kaidan approach Shepard. "Like a moth to a flame," she remarked to Dr Chakwas. "We are going to have to help those two you know."

"I've seen what helping them has done so far. I don't think Kaidan would be impressed if we interfered and while Shepard may be able to put up with a few jokes I'm not sure if she would thank us if we got either of them drunk after last time." Dr Chakwas said sternly, remembering Ash's part in the last prank Joker had pulled.

Not to be put off, Ash tried again. "That's because if was Joker doing the helping. C'mon Doc, his main aim in life is to have a laugh at LTs expense. But we're women. We understand the situation much better that Joker."

"I think they should be left to sort it out for themselves. We do have a rather important mission and there _are_ regs against fraternising don't forget."

Ashley rolled her eyes at the doctor. She'd wait till the doctor had a few more brandies before trying to enlist her help again. "Let me get you another drink Dr Chakwas." Handing a fresh drink to the doctor she said, "Those two are perfect for each other, but if it's left up to LT nothing will happen and Shepard is too busy being Commander to let her hair down."

"I wouldn't push Shepard too far is I were you. You don't get to be a Lieutenant Commander, and one with her reputation, because of your sunny personality. If she loses her temper she will chew your head off and spit it out."

"Hmm, you could have a point. I get the feeling that it wouldn't be a good thing to be on Shepard's bad side." Ash decided to take matters into her own hands as she left the doctor and headed over to where Shepard and LT were standing.

"Hey Skipper, it's about time you joined the party."

"I'm not staying Ash. I may put in a dance for the sake of courtesy then I'll leave you guys to your fun. I'm sure the crew will let their hair down much better without their commanding officer around."

"C'mon Shepard, everyone here loves you. She cast a sidelong glance at Kaidan before adding "Some more than others," laughing as she saw him blush.

Noting Kaidan's embarrassment Shepard drew attention away from him by pointing to where Joker sat atop a pile of crates. "Is he alright up there?"

"It's ok; we strapped him to the chair. He's a little drunk, we didn't want him to fall and break bones."

"Make sure that he doesn't. Jokers a pain in the ass but I definitely do not want to have to break in a new pilot at this stage of the mission."

Shepard looked around the room. This had been a stressful mission so far and her crew needed to blow off some steam. While Shepard's attention was focused elsewhere, Ash was motioning to Kaidan to ask their commander to dance.

"So Skipper, why don't you have that dance now? I'm sure LT would love to dance with you." She nudged Kaidan with her elbow.

"How about it Kaidan? I can't exactly dance with the birthday boy. It's always a downer to hear your partner's bones cracking as you dance. Think you're brave enough to partner me?" Shepard laughed.

"That's happened to you before Shepard?" Kaidan asked incredulously, not sure whether she was joking or not.

"Well I'm not the world's best dancer, although I have to say that one or two occurrences have been on purpose to try and head off my mother's matchmaking," she replied sheepishly.

"I'm sure she'll be gentle with you LT," Ash said, grinning as she left them to arrange suitable music for their dance.

Kaidan glared at Ash's retreating form as he reluctantly led Shepard to the area that had been set aside for dancing.

Noting the look on her dance partners face Shepard said "Don't look so glum Kaidan. I promise not to break any of your bones."

The slow song Ash had selected started. She watched with amusement as the obviously nervous Kaidan put his arms awkwardly around Shepard. _And that's how we do that! _Ash grinned to herself as she watched them dancing.

Kaidan forgot about everything around him as he tried to concentrate on his dance steps and not the feeling of Shepard in his arms. The mood was spoiled by Joker yelling out "It's about time, Alenko," from his vantage point.

They broke apart abruptly, both becoming aware of the fact that all eyes were now on them. Kaidan noted that Shepard was blushing and thought she muttered something under her breath before she spoke out loud.

"Thanks for the dance, Kaidan. We'll have to do it again some time. But now I'd better go and have a few words with the birthday boy before I leave the crew to enjoy themselves."

"You don't have to go Shepard. I'd like you to stay," Kaidan surprised himself by saying. He drew her towards an alcove where they weren't in view of everyone.

They both seemed surprised at his initiative. Shepard recovered first and leaned towards him. He felt tense and excited at the thought of kissing Shepard_. _The moment was broken by a couple of the crew members coming around the corner.

"You're a sweetheart Kaidan. But I think I do need to leave, for both our sake's. It's not the right time." She sighed regretfully looking around to make sure no one was in view before leaning forward to kiss him lightly on the cheek. Then she turned and walked towards Joker.

Kaidan stood staring after her with a thoughtful look on his face as Ash appeared at his side. "You really going to let Shepard walk away after that, LT.?"

Kaidan blinked and brought himself back to the present. "Shepard's right. It's not the right time Ash. Now if you'll excuse me, I need a drink." She watched him go determined to come up with a plan to get them together. "Not the right time, my ass," she muttered to herself as she went to get a drink herself.

As Shepard headed out of the cargo area Ashley caught up with her. "Leaving already Commander?" She cleared her throat. "Permission to be frank Ma'am?"

"Since when do you need permission?" Shepard laughed. "Knock yourself out Ash, we're all off duty."

"You know LT likes you. **A lot. **And I'm pretty sure you like him**. A lot.** So what is it with you two?"

Shepard shrugged. There was no point in trying to deny anything. "We have a mission to concentrate on, not to mention the regs. It's been a long time between drinks for me, so I don't mind taking things slow. For now."

"Slow! Don't you mean catatonic, Shepard?" Ash burst out. "You do know you may have to take matters into your own hands where LT's concerned don't you?"

"I know your heart's in the right place Ash, but if it's meant to happen it will. Just leave it for now. Okay?" With a half smile Shepard stepped into the waiting elevator.

Ashley turned back to the party muttering under her breath. She wasn't sure which of them was worse, Shepard or Alenko. They both had it bad. One of these days the pair of them would finally get it together and she hoped she'd be around to see it_. But in the meantime it's time to go and have a word with LT._

As soon as Ash reached him Kaidan held up his hand to silence her and sighed heavily when she ignored him.

"You're not going to just let Shepard go are you LT?"

"She obviously has other things to do Ash."

"Jeez you're dense. How many signals does the woman have to give you? She's probably up in her cabin now waiting for you to show up."

"You're getting as bad as Joker. There is nothing between me and Shepard."

"Because you're both too pigheaded to do anything to make it happen. She's out of practice and you're …," she stopped, trying to come up with a suitable word. "Oh, I never thought of that possibility before," she said more to herself than to him as she eyed him speculatively.

Kaidan looked at her, confused.

"LT, I know it's a personal question, but are you a virgin?"

Kaidan, who had just taken a sip of his drink, spat it out in surprise. He reddened as he choked out "Ash I'm thirty two years old!"

"Well it's not totally outside the realm of possibilities, and it would sort of explain your hesitation with the whole Shepard thing that you have going on."

He grabbed a napkin from the nearby table and wiped up his drink. "For the last time, I do not have a Shepard thing going on. Why don't you go and annoy Joker for a while? He's supposed to be the centre of attention tonight, after all." He looked at his omnitool as a soft ping sounded.

"Please tell me that's Shepard, LT."

"Why would Shepard…. Never mind." He shook his head. "I hate to disappoint you but it's actually a little surprise I have lined up for Joker." He turned and headed for the elevator, a curious Ash in hot pursuit.

"What's the surprise? I bet that's why Shepard disappeared. She's in on it and has gone to organise it." She followed him into the elevator wondering what he was up to.

Kaidan shook his head trying to dispel the image of Shepard that Ash's words had instantly conjured up in his mind. "It's got nothing to do with Shepard." He hoped like hell that she hadn't picked up on the tremor in his voice that his wayward thoughts had caused.

"This is all very mysterious LT," she commented as she followed him out of the elevator, and through the airlock onto the dock where someone stood waiting wrapped in a hooded cloak.

Kaidan walked up to the mysterious stranger. They spoke briefly before Kaidan escorted the visitor back through the airlock. Once in the light of the Normandy the stranger removed the concealing garments.

"I am the exotic dancer you requested. Are you the person who requires my services?" a throaty voice asked as the cloak was removed with a flourish.

Kaidan shook his head and stared, too stunned to speak.

Ash took one look at the stripper and choked back a strangled laugh.

The stripper wore a black bustier and a short skirt covered with lurid purple and orange feathers.

Kaidan stared, and then choked out, "This way," pointing to the elevator. The stripper shrugged, donned the cloak, and followed as he led the way, Ash trailing behind. As they reached the elevator Ash caught Kaidan's arm, saying "Excuse us a moment, won't you?" to the stripper as she dragged Kaidan a short distance away.

"I know I asked you once before about how much shore leave you took, but have you even ever spoken to a woman before this mission LT?" She said quietly, trying hard to contain her laughter.

Kaidan was puzzled "What the hell are you talking about Ash?"

She motioned towards the elevator. "I hate to be the one to tell you LT, but that's not exactly a female. The walk is all wrong for a start." She swore under her breath at the look on his face, "To put it bluntly in a way even _you_ would understand, that one pees standing up, if you get where I'm going here."

Kaidan gave an exasperated sigh. "I know that Ash but hopefully Joker will be too drunk to notice."

Her eyes widened as she realised what he was up to. "Way to go LT, I like it. You're finally giving Joker some payback."

He grinned at her. "You catch on quick. Feel free to join me on the bridge to watch the fun as soon as I deliver our exotic dancer to Joker."

They joined their guest in the lift, grinning at each other.

* * *

Two hours after leaving the party Shepard entered the cockpit intent on looking at the monitors to make sure that things weren't getting out of hand. She was surprised to see Kaidan and Ash there, laughing at something on the monitor. The noises coming from the speakers were more in keeping with some of Joker's extranet sites.

"More of those asari fetish sites that you know nothing about, Alenko?" They both jumped at the sound of her voice.

"Uh Shepard. I…we…"

"Do I even want to know?" Shepard leaned in closer to the monitor. "Is Joker really that drunk?"

"Better come clean LT. Skipper, LT hired a lap dancer for Joker's birthday. And Joker doesn't realise that the lap dancer is not entirely female." Ash said with a grin.

Shepard looked back at the monitor and grinned. "It's about time you got some of your own back for some of the crap you've copped from Joker, Kaidan. But I wouldn't let that go too far if I were you." She indicated the monitor where Joker now seemed to be enjoying the 'female' attention a bit too much.

"Well Joker has done some pretty embarrassing things to LT, not to mention you as well." Ashley pointed out.

"You have a point Ash, although I'm sure he had help with a couple of his pranks." Shepard gave her a pointed look, watching as Ash's cheeks went pink. "But there's a difference between embarrassment and humiliation. As far as Kaidan and I are concerned, I don't question your motives only your methods. Plus, I _know_ I don't have any male appendages, unlike Joker's 'friend.' She turned to her now bright red Lieutenant and smiled at him. "Unlike Joker, I trust you to know where to draw the line Kaidan."

"Yes ma'am, I mean no ma'am. Um understood ma'am." Kaidan stammered as she turned and left the cockpit.

Kaidan groaned and put his head in his hands. _Why do I get so tongue tied around her and not any other woman in the galaxy? I always look like the fool no matter what I do._ "C'mon Ash, Shepard's right, we'd better go put a stop to this." He ignored Ash's obvious amusement at Shepard's words and took a last glance at the monitor as he stood up.

"Yeah and we'd better hurry before Joker really gets lucky. I think one surprise tonight is enough." Ash followed him off the bridge laughing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Joker woke the next morning feeling disorientated. _Must have been a hell of a party cause I sure as hell don't remember much of it. _He sat up slowly and looked around to see that he was laying on a mattress in the cargo bay. His crutches were beside him. "It's going to be a hell of a hike back to the bridge." He looked up at the sound of footsteps.

"Talking to yourself, Joker?" Kaidan asked as he handed him a cup of coffee.

Joker sat up. "Alenko! What the hell happened last night, and why did I wake up down here?"

"Don't you remember Joker?" Kaidan asked innocently.

"Do I look like I remember?" He took a sip of the steaming liquid as Kaidan sat down on a crate near him.

"Luckily for you I have the means to refresh your memory." Kaidan pointed to the monitor as footage from the party appeared on screen.

Joker groaned. "Tell me that's not what I think it is."

"Well it depends what you think it is, Joker." Kaidan was enjoying the look on Jokers face as he watched the screen. "If you think it's you licking birthday cake from a stripper's fingers and then getting a lap dance, then I'd have to say that's exactly what it is."

"But, but, that's not even a girl Alenko." He gave Kaidan a horrified look. "I don't know how you managed to fake that footage but I would never fall for that."

"Sorry to tell you Joker, but you did. And going by the footage, you seemed to be enjoying it immensely." Kaidan was struggling to contain his laughter now. He pressed a few buttons on his omnitool and the monitor went blank.

"Please tell me it didn't go any further than that?" He slapped his forehead. " Look who I'm asking. Of course it didn't go any further than that. My best friend would never let it go further than that, not when I was obviously drunk and didn't know what I was doing."

"Playing the friend card won't work this time Joker. And you'll never know for sure if it went further or not, will you? Unless you play any more pranks on me." Kaidan leaned back with a satisfied grin.

"Revenge Alenko? That's beneath you." He grinned suddenly. " I'm so proud of you. I've obviously taught you well."

"Hey at least you didn't end up in the medbay."

"There is that, but I'm guessing that footage was shown ship wide so I'm going to have to run the gauntlet to get back to the bridge."

"You may want to get cleaned up first. You have cake all over you." Kaidan laughed as he looked closely at Joker. "Let me know if you want any help."

"No offence, but if I have to get cleaned up, I'd prefer Dr. Chakwas to help me. At least I know she's definitely female." Joker grinned. "But I'm sure you could try that line on Shepard some time."

Kaidan shook his head and muttered to himself. "Do I have to play the rest of the footage Joker?"

'You're bluffing. I know you too well Alenko." Joker said with confidence.

"Try me Joker. Are you really a hundred percent sure that I **am** bluffing?" The tone of Kaidan's voice made Joker a bit less sure of himself.

Ok, Alenko. You win. For now, anyway." He pointed to Kaidan's omnitool. "Do you think you can use your magic wand to call Dr Chakwas for me now?"

Laughing, Kaidan called Dr. Chakwas.

* * *

Joker hobbled through the ship to the bridge receiving cat calls and wolf whistles as he went. Someone yelled out, "Hey Joker, your _girlfriend_ called, _she_ wants to know when you'll be free next."

Well she's not my type but next time she calls I'll be sure to give her your number. I'm sure she's right up your alley, Donaldson." Joker called back without stopping.

His relief at finally reaching the cockpit was short lived as he saw Shepard sitting in the co-pilot's chair.

"I hear you almost got lucky last night Joker." Shepard said as soon as she saw him.

"Laugh it up Shepard. I can take it. Although I probably got luckier than you or Alenko."

"Joker." Shepard said sternly.

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?" He sank into his chair with a groan of relief.

"More than you can possibly know Joker," she said, amusement clear on her face.

"I may have to reevaluate my assessment of Alenko. He's quite devious when he sets his mind to it. You may want to remember that Shepard." He grinned at her.

"So can I assume that you will refrain from pulling any more pranks? And that includes listening in to conversations between Alenko and me!"

"Shepard, you're taking all the fun out of this." He sighed dramatically before grinning at her. "As for Alenko, I'm quite proud of him actually. I taught him everything he knows."

"Just remember the footage will go on the extranet the next time you decide to pull one of your pranks." Shepard said seriously.

"You wouldn't!" At the look she was giving him he said "You would."

"In a heartbeat Joker. So leave Kaidan alone. You crossed the line last time. Any other commanding officer would have had you up on charges."

Shepard obviously knew he was behind the last stunt. There was no point in denying it so he went on the defensive, "How was I to know he'd have an allergic reaction, or that you'd try to ….."

"Joker. **Enough**!" Shepard's voice would have made a drill sergeant envious.

"Yeah, Yeah. I heard you. The whole freaking Citadel probably heard you." He grinned at her but she didn't return his grin. "Fine. I won't pull any more pranks on Alenko. I'll consider us even." He said grudgingly.

Shepard burst out laughing at his hang dog expression and stood up to leave.

Joker saluted her. "I can't believe I fell for that heavy handed commander routine."

"Who said it was a routine Flight Lieutenant Moreau?" Shepard tried to speak firmly but her sense of humour got the better of her and she giggled. "The look on your face just then was priceless Joker."

"Shouldn't you be leaving? That's what people normally do on shore leave, _Commander_?" He said sourly.

"Actually, I'm just about to head to the mess to help myself to some of your left over birthday cake."

He laughed suddenly. "I'm sure Alenko will let you lick the frosting off his fingers if you ask him."

Shepard blushed. "You must really want to see that footage next time you cruise the extranet, Joker."

"Hey I only promised not to pull any pranks on Alenko, which means you are still fair game Shepard."

"Just don't forget that I'm also your commanding officer. I have the power to relieve you of duty." She shook her head. "Why do I even bother? You're never going to change are you?"

"Not if I can help it Shepard. Besides there's no one else that's even in the same league as me when it comes to flying the Normandy. You need my superior piloting skills," he said smugly.

Shepard swore under her breath and glared at him. "You really don't want to push me too far Joker."

"You're too tense Shepard. You need to loosen up a little." He chuckled to himself. "In fact I was just telling Alenko recently that too much stress is bad for a person's health."

Shepard muttered something about him being concerned about his own health as she left the bridge accompanied by Joker's laughter.


End file.
